April 2, 2012

Watchman Nee (China, 1903-1972) God must bring us to a point - I cannot tell you how it will be, but He will do it - where, through a deep and dark experience, our natural power is touched and fundamentally weakened, so that we no longer dare trust ourselves. He has had to deal with some of us very harshly, and take us through difficult and painful ways, in order to get us there... But then at last it is that He can begin to use us. We would like to have death and resurrection put together within one hour of each other. We cannot face the thought that God will keep us aside for so long a time; we cannot bear to wait. And I cannot tell you how long He will take, but in principle I think it is quite safe to say this, that there will be a definite period when He will keep you there... All is in darkness, but it is only for a night. It must indeed be a full night, but that is all. Afterwards you will find that everything is given back to you in glorious resurrection; and nothing can measure the difference between what was before and what now is! Praying that the morning comes quickly for my soul.

April 1, 2012

Today marks the start of a new month. I really can't believe how quickly the months have seemed to fly by since we have been here in Haviland. Returning home from face2face doesn't really feel that long ago, yet here we are fully into spring in Kansas. Already turning on the AC (which we never had in Wyoming-didn't need it). Where have I seen God this week? Good question... I was drawn to the prayers that Dave used on Thursday night in class, I have had good conversation with friends, and I am going to say that I have seen Him in the difficulties of this week. It has been a tougher week in general.

March 29, 2012

The last chapter in the Good and Beautiful Life talked about lying. How we all lie constantly on a daily basis, hardly even registering that we have done it. I think I fall into this trap quite often. Saying something to get out of a situation that I might not really want to be in rather than just telling the truth about it. It is easier to tell a lie than it is to tell the truth. You don't have to reveal what is truly going on in your life, you can keep people at bay and at the surface with small little lies. In the book Jim says that we are usually appalled when we find out that we have been lied to, but I think that sometimes people are okay with accepting the little lie because they don't really want to know what's going on with you anyway. It's more effort on their part to actually deal with who you really are, so they accept the small lie on the surface because they don't want to go deep either. But easy isn't best. I feel like I have always known this, but when it comes right down to it, I still want easy in the midst of the hard. I have a hard time really remembering that it's the hard things that make me stronger, that make my faith grow, that change who I am. When I am in the middle of something hard, I just want it to be over. Somehow I want to make the connection in the moment - that this hard thing is producing something lasting - making it worth it.

March 14, 2012

Coming back from F2F in Colorado was a transition. After being immersed in the class times, structure, mountains, etc... coming back to "normal" life has been a little bit difficult. I'm glad to be home, don't get me wrong, but entering back into life here and figuring out life in the future has been a bit of a burden. I feel like I am in a place where I've healed/recovered from the past and I'm ready to move forward, I just don't totally know where that is yet. I'm praying for direction...

March 2, 2012

F2F - Day 5 Dave Williams Notes Journaling Exercise: The Prayer of Examen Thinking back over the past 24 hours I am thankful for a good night of sleep after not sleeping very well before that. I thank you Lord for being with Audrey yesterday, for giving her a good day and good conversation and good friends to be with while I am here away. I thank You, Lord for how prayer has been a significant part of yesterday and today. Your presence is real in this place, even in the midst of tiredness, longing, and feeling alone. Thank you for Your strength, Your love, and Your sustaining. When or where in the past 24 hours were you cooperating with God most fully? When were you resting? I feel like I was cooperating with God the most this morning during our prayer time. I really felt compelled by God to pray for spiritual protection from the devil. It was welling up inside of me, and I knew that it was God who was putting it there to pray for everyone in the cohort and for their families and friends. I would also say that last night talking to Audrey on Skype felt like cooperating with God. Connecting with my best friend and hearing all about her day and how God was moving in her life felt like a connection between us and God all at the same time. Giving Him glory and honor in all the ways He worked in both of our lives. I was resting when I was asleep! And it was the best night of rest that I have had so far in being here! Beginning today, how do you want to live your life differently? What patterns do you want to keep living tomorrow? I want to continue to grow in my prayer life, both solitary prayer and, spouse prayer, and communal prayer. Times of prayer this week have been especially moving to me. I also think that structure has been a good thing for me this week. This is something that Audrey and I have talked about just in the past few weeks and it seems to have made itself even more clear being here this week with a very set structure. That is a pattern I want to follow at home.

March 1, 2012

F2F - Day 4 Dave Williams Notes Journaling Exercise: "As the dust settles from all that we have read and discussed this morning, what rises to the surface of your soul?" Here are a few things that I underlined from the reading this morning: These are from Julian of Norwich. "God is as homey as a favorite quilt." "I only wanted to have the compassion I thought a loving soul would have for Jesus by witnessing His suffering." "Jesus, both God and man, who suffered for me." "I saw three properties. The first is that God made it, the second is that God loves it, the third is that God preserves it." These are from John Woolman. "The fear of man brings a snare." "The Lord's tender mercies are over all His works, and His ear is open to the cries and groans of the oppressed." - A few things rise to my soul out of these. Seeing the love of God as a quilt, that it wraps and enfolds me and feels warm and secure no matter how cold it is outside. Also, seeing that Christ suffered for me, why should I not suffer for Him? How convicting is that statement when I whine about my circumstances. And not being afraid to dive into something that God has called me to do because of the fear of man, or what they might think or say. "How is God speaking to you, and what is He calling you to do about it?" I guess in my mind it is continually coming to the realization that God loves me, loves me, loves me, loves me. Always. In my falling God's love is not diminished. It is heightened. And the second thing is looking for needs in my immediate community where I can engage in "social justice." And what my passions and convictions are within the social justice stream. How can I help people with what my passions and gifts are. Example: Audrey helping Christina for free. I love that about her. "What's the one thing that you will do from hearing from God this morning?" - With this I'm not sure of yet.... He replied, "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it." (Luke 11:28 NIV)

February 23, 2012

Well, we are coming up on Face 2 Face, our week long intensive, set at Camp Quaker Ridge in Woodland Park, CO. In one sense I am really excited about the time there again. About what God is going to show all of us, how He is going to work in me, and being up in the mountains. And at the same time I have apprehension over it all too. Leaving Audrey for over a week is going to be hard, facing things that God might bring into my life that I might not necessarily want to face, etc... It's a both/and. A God thing that happened this past week was that I am reading Spiritual Friendship by Aelred, and I am also in a men's study going through Disciplines of a Godly Man, and the chapter that we talked about Wed. was on friendship. It was neat to see the similarities between the two books and also that I got an opportunity to share about what I had been reading from Aelred.