April 20, 2012

Right now I am sitting in "Little Bear" Cabin at Camp Quaker Ridge. It's early in the morning and the sun is just rising up over all of the Pine Trees. I'm drinking Starbucks Coffee and eating my breakfast inside, warm and cozy. Audrey and I have been able to come here for a couple of days. We really needed to get away from Haviland and have some time to seek after the Lord and what He has in store for us next. Quaker Ridge has become a place of change for me. I never thought that it would be when I first came here, but everytime I have come something inside of me changes. Well, that generally leads to outside change as well. In October 2011 it led us to leave Kemmerer and move to Haviland. In early March, I really felt God saying it was time to move forward - nothing in Haviland was really opening up. And here I am again mid-April where I have learned more about myself. Each of these times here have not been easy. They have actually been pretty tough. God throws down the gauntlant in the mountains. I am left with nothing else but Him. Right now we are waiting. Waiting for what God has next, and in the meantime we are relying on Him.

April 12, 2012

"We must be ready to allow ourselves to be interrupted by God." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer I really liked this quote as I read it. But the more time you spend thinking about what this actually says the more you start to realize that this might not be something that is "liked" when it is happening. What I mean is that usually when we are interuppted we see whatever it is as a hassle or bother. It generally comes at the times when we are busy doing something else and our minds are completely occupied with that task. So being interuppted by God means that I am going to have to let go of my agenda, my plans, my control over not only whatever I'm doing at the moment, but if I truly want God to be my everything than I have to give up my life. Interesting how such a seemingly simple sentence can have such deep meaning and connotation.

April 6, 2012

Today is Good Friday. This is the first time in over 6 years that I have not had to do something to prepare for Holy Week. It has been different. Usually, today marks the start of a very busy weekend in leading people through the death and resurrection of Jesus. But not this year. I've been sick for the past few days and honestly today feels no different than any other day. If we are supposed to enter in to the crucifixion and pain and suffering today than I guess I feel like I am. My hope is almost on empty, I'm confused about life, I am depressed. I don't know where my place is. It makes sense that the disciples were so questioning of Jesus' resurrection. In the middle of suffering it is really hard to believe that something better is coming, and then even when it does we want to make sure. We want the real thing, not some glimmer of hope that's only going to lead to more suffering because it's not real.

April 2, 2012

Watchman Nee (China, 1903-1972) God must bring us to a point - I cannot tell you how it will be, but He will do it - where, through a deep and dark experience, our natural power is touched and fundamentally weakened, so that we no longer dare trust ourselves. He has had to deal with some of us very harshly, and take us through difficult and painful ways, in order to get us there... But then at last it is that He can begin to use us. We would like to have death and resurrection put together within one hour of each other. We cannot face the thought that God will keep us aside for so long a time; we cannot bear to wait. And I cannot tell you how long He will take, but in principle I think it is quite safe to say this, that there will be a definite period when He will keep you there... All is in darkness, but it is only for a night. It must indeed be a full night, but that is all. Afterwards you will find that everything is given back to you in glorious resurrection; and nothing can measure the difference between what was before and what now is! Praying that the morning comes quickly for my soul.

April 1, 2012

Today marks the start of a new month. I really can't believe how quickly the months have seemed to fly by since we have been here in Haviland. Returning home from face2face doesn't really feel that long ago, yet here we are fully into spring in Kansas. Already turning on the AC (which we never had in Wyoming-didn't need it). Where have I seen God this week? Good question... I was drawn to the prayers that Dave used on Thursday night in class, I have had good conversation with friends, and I am going to say that I have seen Him in the difficulties of this week. It has been a tougher week in general.

March 29, 2012

The last chapter in the Good and Beautiful Life talked about lying. How we all lie constantly on a daily basis, hardly even registering that we have done it. I think I fall into this trap quite often. Saying something to get out of a situation that I might not really want to be in rather than just telling the truth about it. It is easier to tell a lie than it is to tell the truth. You don't have to reveal what is truly going on in your life, you can keep people at bay and at the surface with small little lies. In the book Jim says that we are usually appalled when we find out that we have been lied to, but I think that sometimes people are okay with accepting the little lie because they don't really want to know what's going on with you anyway. It's more effort on their part to actually deal with who you really are, so they accept the small lie on the surface because they don't want to go deep either. But easy isn't best. I feel like I have always known this, but when it comes right down to it, I still want easy in the midst of the hard. I have a hard time really remembering that it's the hard things that make me stronger, that make my faith grow, that change who I am. When I am in the middle of something hard, I just want it to be over. Somehow I want to make the connection in the moment - that this hard thing is producing something lasting - making it worth it.

March 14, 2012

Coming back from F2F in Colorado was a transition. After being immersed in the class times, structure, mountains, etc... coming back to "normal" life has been a little bit difficult. I'm glad to be home, don't get me wrong, but entering back into life here and figuring out life in the future has been a bit of a burden. I feel like I am in a place where I've healed/recovered from the past and I'm ready to move forward, I just don't totally know where that is yet. I'm praying for direction...